Interpersonal Style Compatibility: What Happens When Two Styles Meet

Two lines, compared one at a time

The interpersonal circle places each person using two lines. One line runs from Leading to Listening: how much of the talking a person tends to do. The other runs from Warmth to Directness: how much a person tends to check in on others.

Comparing two people works best one line at a time. A couple can match on one line and differ on the other, and the two lines show up in different moments. The first line shows up when a decision has to be made. The second line shows up when somebody is upset.

On each line, each person sits on one side or near the middle. That gives a small number of patterns per line, and every pair of people falls into one pattern on each.

The talking line: who leads and who listens

On the Leading or Listening line, the three main patterns look like this.

• One leads and one listens. One person tends to start the conversation and the other is glad to let them. Plans get made quickly. The thing to watch is whether the listener's view gets asked for before the plan is settled.
• Both lead. Both people speak up early and like to steer. A shared project gets two plans in the first ten minutes. The thing to watch is deciding who has the final word on which kinds of choices.
• Both listen. Each person tends to let the other go first. A question like where to go for dinner can go back and forth for a long time. The thing to watch is that small decisions stall because nobody wants to push.

The warmth line: checking in or getting to the point

On the Warmth or Directness line, the three main patterns look like this.

• One warm and one direct. When something goes wrong, one person asks how the other is feeling and the other starts on the fix. Both moves help. The thing to watch is that each one can read the other's move as missing the point.
• Both warm. Both people notice how the other is doing and are kind about it. Hard days get talked through. The thing to watch is that a hard conversation can be put off because neither wants to upset the other.
• Both direct. Both people say things plainly and move on. A disagreement about money can be settled in ten minutes. The thing to watch is that comfort can get skipped when one of them needed it.

What research on the circle says about pairs

Psychologists who study the circle have a name for how two styles meet in a conversation: complementarity. In studies where two people talk for a few minutes, warmth from one person tends to draw warmth back from the other. Taking charge tends to draw the other person into following, and holding back tends to draw the other person into leading.

That is a finding about what happens inside a conversation, minute by minute. It explains why one person who leads and one who listens often find a conversation easy, and why two people who both lead can talk over each other.

What the research does not show is that any pair of styles makes a better couple, friendship or team. Easy conversations and good relationships are not the same thing. A pair who both lead may argue more often and still settle things well.

Comparing two people with DISC and with the circle

Teams that use DISC at work often compare two people's letters. A D working with an S, for example, is a common pairing to talk through, because one pushes for a decision and the other wants to keep everyone on board.

The interpersonal circle does the same job with two lines instead of four boxes. Each person lands in one of nine zones, and the comparison looks at each line separately: who leads and who listens, and who checks in and who gets to the point.

Two people who know their DISC letters will recognize a lot of the ground the circle covers. The selfwyse interpersonal style test is not a DISC assessment, though, and its results do not convert into DISC letters.

What a style difference looks like

Picture two roommates whose lease is up. One lands on the Leading side and the Direct side. The other lands on the Listening side and the Warm side.

The first roommate has three apartments picked out by Saturday and wants to sign one by Monday. The second roommate liked the second apartment but is worried the first roommate seems stressed, so they ask about that instead of saying which place they liked.

Neither roommate is the problem. Once both of them see the two lines on a page, the first roommate knows to ask before deciding. The second knows that naming the apartment they liked is the most helpful thing they can do.

What an interpersonal style comparison does not tell two people

A comparison describes how two people answered the same questions. It stays inside what those questions measured.

• It does not say whether two people are compatible, and it does not rank any pair of styles above another.
• It does not predict how long a relationship will last or how happy it will be.
• It does not fix either person in place. Both people can act differently at work than at home, and with each other than with anyone else.
• It does not measure skill. Leading is not the same as leading well, and warmth is not the same as being a good friend.

How to get an interpersonal style paired report

Taking the interpersonal style assessment at selfwyse is free, and nobody needs an account to start. At the end, the results page has a link to send to one other person.

The second person takes the assessment for free and keeps their own result. Once both people have finished, both get a free paired report that places the two of them on the same circle and walks through each line. A more detailed paired report, including a section on how the two of them tend to disagree, is available as a paid upgrade.

Common questions

Can DISC be used to compare two people?

DISC is often used to compare two coworkers by their letters. The interpersonal circle does a similar job for any two people, at work or at home, by placing both on the same circle and comparing them one line at a time.

Which interpersonal styles are most compatible?

No pair of styles has been shown to make better couples or teams than another. What the circle can show is how two people's habits meet on each line, which is useful for knowing where conversations will be easy and where they may need more care.

What is complementarity in the interpersonal circle?

Complementarity is the finding that, in a conversation, warmth tends to draw warmth back, and taking charge tends to draw the other person into following. It describes behavior in the moment, not whether two people are a good match.

Can two people with the same interpersonal style get along?

Yes. Two people in the same zone share the same habits, so they rarely have to explain those habits to each other. The patterns to watch are the ones both share, such as two listeners waiting for the other to decide.